' Misir Doobay, Toronto, I dont need it, but Ill tell you who does Jen Statsky, writer. Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. Soccer was the first sport that many of us tried. Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, Who folded the moon? Submitted by Julianna Waldner. Nasty ex sniffing around? 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. All jokes aside, I am so grateful for you" Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! All it was doing was gathering dust. @dadsaysjokes. "c**tpuffin, "It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally. The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. 49 ($1.68 $1.68 / Fl Oz) Savings Get any 3 for $39.99 Shop items. Thats where we come in! Well, said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, shes there.Submitted by Norm Schmitz, One friend complains to another, All my husband and I do any more is fight. ", "I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? You didnt look to your right, yelled the frightened inspector. Tempting fate, I tried it on. Youre about to hit a home run and you want to jump in the air and scream yes! because for once you know exactly what to say. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. Sometimes, people just need to be told. ", "I don't know, but the flag's a big plus. It can be a potent form of flirtation and seduction. Ive found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. Marie Faustin, comedian. My father-in-law calmly shook his head. Submitted by Wendy Davis, My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brothers surprise party. Q: Youre riding a horse at full speed. And what was that? Its just as I thoughtyou dont know.Submitted by Gene Newman. Youre not trying to get a laugh in most cases, youre trying to insult. I love this saying: An intimate relationship is improved by the two or three things we dont say each day. A cloud of tension hangs over them, and one thing is clear: these two are not going to end the night in each others arms! There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, Im wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked No Refills.Submitted by Roy Warner, An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. Dont go through life unprepared! They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips ._1x9diBHPBP-hL1JiwUwJ5J{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:#ff585b;padding-left:3px;padding-right:24px}._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4{height:16px;padding-right:4px;vertical-align:top}.icon._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5{height:20px;vertical-align:middle;padding-right:8px}.QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{height:18px;padding-right:8px;vertical-align:top}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 .QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)} Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. Submitted by Mark Flowerdew, Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. Press J to jump to the feed. The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. Driver: "Isn't it your job to tell me?". Me: Do you think this is the right career for you? I have been working as a couples therapist for 20 years, and I know how many fights begin because someone cant take a joke.. That's why we've rounded up that set of (clean) jokes for adults and kids alike that will have the whole family laughing. Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!, Im always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. 'I knew it! Thats why the suit is such a bargain, the sales clerk explained. The light goes on. Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop. Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. But that would ruin his credit. Jeannie Gibbs, The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I liked a show just because I watched 13 hours of it. Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patricks Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. He seems fine now, says the vet. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment, instead? Chandler, Friends [Read: Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny], 9. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? Whats it called? Want to turn someones frown upside down? Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Hello, said the agent, Im looking for a man called Murphy., Well youre in luck, said the farmer. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. Submitted by Denise Stewart. One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night. How do you put up with it? I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.Submitted by Marilyn Adkins, Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the towns morals, stuck her nose into everyones business. Why did the chicken go to the sance? !, The second boy says, Well, I sure dont want the @#$%^& pancakes!, An old man goes to confession. I can only please one person a day. Dont drink that, I said. In an intimate partnership, we are going to step on each others toes from time to time. The satisfactory. Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Next time you're at a loss for words, try out one of these one-liners andwatch your popularity soar!*. Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now Im the proud owner of aisle seven. @domesticgoddss, My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! ' @brotigupta, Under quarantine, marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldnt find any. Tommy Cooper. Why are you doing that? asked the keeper. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. My sister would be so proud of you! she declared. Do you want to get a drink? I heard you the first time! says a small, irritated voice. Dont blame me for your stupidity, take that up with your mom and dad, 49. Check out thesefunny political quotes you cant help but laugh at. How do you get two whales in a car? At your age, I wouldnt touch alcohol! Detector: Beep. Mother laughs: Ha! Dont miss this roundup of Alex Trebeks most memorable Jeopardy! Our doctors office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. Mom: Avocado, After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time. When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. If you fell in a bucket of tits, you'd come out sucking your thumb. Check out 30 New Years jokes that will have you laughing out loud. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? Ive led a very full life, says the dog. Do you own a doghouse? 8. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A: When its pasture bedtime. The bartender says, Whatll you have? The skeleton says, Gimme a beer and a mop.. ._12xlue8dQ1odPw1J81FIGQ{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle} "I'm not sure; I was born with them.". A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. Were giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. He was a tackling dummy. Good news, he said. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags One afternoon, I decided to clean a purse of mine by throwing it into the washing machinespring cleaning and all that. Because he broke all the records. From the next room over, my dad yelled, Shes money laundering!Submitted by Shinae Hartley, A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. Aye matey.. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. 73. From the greats to the random internet memes, this was a list of the best smartass quotes for life, ex-loves, and general sassiness. Why are you washing it? my brother asked, perplexed. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. Treating those tender spotsyour own and your partnerswith reverence and care deepens trust and creates healing. Its from Uncle Ben. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. Love is grand, until it isnt. Now hes the village blacksmith. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. As I told the salesperson, I dont need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.. ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. I dont know, she replies. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Theres just one condition. Gets jalapeo business! Couldn't organise a two-man rush on a three-hole shithouse. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. Submitted by Kerry Hagan, Q: Where do loose tea leaves go to rest while theyre camping? When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this.". My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, Okay, here you go!Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, You can come out of the computer now, Grandma! Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. Doctor: Im sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? Get Your Laugh on with these funny redneck sayings: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. So now I got me a hook., I was standin on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye., But ya dont go blind from no seagull poop., True, says Sol. I never knew my real ladder. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife. Ugh! the student groaned. I thought: Hes trying to pull a fast one. Theres no menu, you only get what you deserve. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. Hows it work? Watch, said the drunk. Whats that big brass gong for? asked the friend. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. Thanks for dating someone ugly after we broke up., 17. He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. Yes, says the waiter. I always say Morning instead of Good Morning, because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people., 2. I remember the day I earned my first dollar, he said. Don't be the person to initiate that. My computer's got the Miley virus. Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. They planet. Snake 2: I dont know. Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. The paramedic says, Are you comfortable?. And, of more recent coinage, for our Iraqui readers: Couldn't organise a hanging on a gallows. Im not insulting you, Im describing you., 39. The little boy replied, With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!. Here are the funniest court cases of all time! Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldnt get a word in. Most of us aren't stand-up comedians, and we don't walk around with a full repertoire of funny jokes to share at parties. 2023 LovePanky.com Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | About Us | Write for Us | Contact Us, 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing, 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback, 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications, Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny, 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to, All the quotes you need while going through a breakup, Being single 30 happy, inspiring quotes for singles, 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life, How to be funny and make people love your company, 101 Savage good comebacks for every witty, funny, or rude comment, 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted, 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback, Ready to charm? I looked at him, puzzled, and said, But, sir, its raining! He replied, Then take an umbrella and water the plants. Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospitals emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, Youve been bar-coded! I, being 72, added, Long past the best-before date. Submitted by Colin Campbell, If you understand English, press 1. Reddit.com. ! Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. My four-year-old grandson loves picking dandelions, placing them in a glass of water and presenting then to his mom. Submitted by Joyce Tenhage, A friend who had just turned 50, and couldnt quite deal with that fact, was wearing a T-shirt that said, Im not 50! 2. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. Teasing in and of itself is not always negativein fact, in many circumstances, it is wonderful. Of course, those who arent in the direct line of insult will no doubt find it hilarious! Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. He said Thanks! I said Dont mention it., I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. He wasnt familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queens lead and hope for the best. An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence. It's stopped twerking. Want to grab a drink? he asks the centipede, but theres no answer from the box. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". As my mate's best man, I tried to set up a brewery visit for his stag weekend. Im a lawyers genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double. After thinking a moment, the man says, For my first wish, I would like $10 million. Lawyers will get $20 million, the genie reminds him. A talking clock? Its a talking clock, the drunk replied. I never even listen when you tell me them. I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. Milton Jones, Two fish are sitting in a tank. Submitted by Greg Madden. If anything, it made him more sluggish. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? In addition to the 70 jokes below, we've also got dad jokes , jokes for kiddos , mom jokes , and jokes for holidays that you can share them with the youngest person in the room. Between you and me, something smells. You know, says the crook, this is more than I wanted to spend. 16. ' @woodyluvscoffee. Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox! She couldnt control her pupils. A man is on trial for armed robbery. Young children have a unique superpower: place a toddler in a queen-sized bed and they will find a sleeping position that ensures no one else can fit in there with them. Could I have a few words with George?Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. All rights reserved. She couldn't control her pupils. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. [Read: 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback], 1. Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. You still havent used the present I gave you last year.Submitted by L.B. you couldn't kick jokes where is madeira citrine mined. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. The gentleman walked over, sat beside her, ordered a drink, then turned to her to ask, Tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?Submitted by Bill Warren. Well! responds the friend. Still, Id like you to mail me the results., A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctors office. Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember! Now, if youre not someone who raises their eyebrow easily, dont do it. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. Thats just how I roll. ._1aTW4bdYQHgSZJe7BF2-XV{display:-ms-grid;display:grid;-ms-grid-columns:auto auto 42px;grid-template-columns:auto auto 42px;column-gap:12px}._3b9utyKN3e_kzVZ5ngPqAu,._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP:before{content:"";margin-right:4px;color:#46d160}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{display:inline-block;word-break:break-word}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-weight:500}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-weight:400;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-top:13px;margin-bottom:2px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO ._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;margin-right:4px;margin-left:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y{border-radius:4px;box-sizing:border-box;height:21px;width:21px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(2),._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(3){margin-left:-9px} I've seen monkey shit-fights at the zoo more organized than this. Four-year-old boy I babysit: *suspicious* Me: *Lays out books* Four-year-old: Well, this is disappointing. This is my first day driving a cab. The person on the other side of the intercom replied, Pardon me? so I repeated myself. I laughed at all of your jokes My love you didn't need to coax Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore . What are they used for? the captain asks. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. What did the baby corn say to its mom? We dont serve your type! shouts the barman. Without hesitation, the man replies, "Cool, which drugs are we testing?". While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. 7. .ehsOqYO6dxn_Pf9Dzwu37{margin-top:0;overflow:visible}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu{height:24px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu{border-radius:2px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:focus,._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:hover{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10);outline:none}._38GxRFSqSC-Z2VLi5Xzkjy{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT{border-top:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);cursor:pointer;padding:8px 16px 8px 8px;text-transform:none}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT:hover{background-color:#0079d3;border:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-body)} I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because Im still looking for ideas., 8. I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: Windows frozen! His wife texts back, Pour lukewarm water over it. Five minutes later he replies: Computer completely messed up now.Submitted by Catherine Hiscox. Did you hit him with the golf club? Yes, I did, sobs the woman. A receding hare-line. Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. A labracadabrador. Chuck Norris won an arm . What's a cat's favorite dessert? These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one. Youve been complaining ever since you got here., Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Whats your secret for a long, happy life? I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said. In reference to someone's accuracy with a gun. If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. Im actually not funny. Cant you just tell me?Submitted by Dana Thayer. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?, Oh, no, exclaims Bonnie. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. My Uncle G: Youre going to pay $500 to jump out of a perfectly good plane?