Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. Sam Levenson. So life is not always "All The Way Up", I guess. Not everyone has good taste. Remember, What consumes your mind, controls your life., 7. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations to motivate you to come out of your comedic shell. 17. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. 86. 30. ". Here's some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. I am strong and getting stronger every day. Edward A. Murphy. 36. 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. Even if youre a skeptic, you must admit these funny affirmations really work. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. 48. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 245. 267. I feed my spirit. 158. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. You try again, but no sound is coming out. All rights reserved. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut., 6. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. Cry a river. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. I did it! Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day. Oh sheet! 25. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. 9. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. Just like every Monday does on Earth. Albert Einstein. And a funny bone. Learn sign language, its very handy. Given below are some short quotes to tickle your funny bone. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 197. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. 274. 3. 225. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. Enjoy! One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. Using humor can help you bridge the gap and empower you to believe in affirmations and their outcome. 186. Need to send some positive energy your way? 190. 32. happy. Your habits become your values. Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. 51. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. This is the beauty of funny affirmations. 1. Mind blown! Allow your body to absorb the positivity of your words by repeating them to yourself. Charles M. Schulz. 167. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. 121. 44. 32. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. 116. I am lazy till I get a motive. I am attractive just as I am. Does it count if you say them in your mind? My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. 12. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. Why did the school kids eat their homework? All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. 264. Theres life without Facebook and internet? Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. Description for this block. 2. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? 26. Im thinking like a proton, always positive., 9. Because someone is always sitting on the deck. 28. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. My mood swings keep life interesting. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. - Kyle Chandler. Today, I look at my goals. Because if you can put a smile on your face with a little humor, I guarantee that youll feel some weight come off your shoulders.f. 176. These affirmations are funny, humorous, witty and sarcastic for work, friends, family, mom, to boost your self-esteem, confidence and strength. 13. I am my childs greatest comfort. If youre just starting your affirmation journey, you might feel skeptical at first. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. "A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret. 14. George Burns, 253. Bill Murray Be careful when you follow the masses. 1. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. 93. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. 252. Infographic: What is the Ultimate Commitment. Or maybe, you just love cracking jokes and making people laugh. I am already great, and I am yet to reach my full potential. No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Bill Murray, 251. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried., 136. I walk in the direction of what feels good for my soul. This is a good thing because affirmations are supposed to be associated with happiness and positive emotions. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade. 224. There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldnt even jump puddles for you., 13. Henny Youngman, 246. 18. 77. 41. What is the tallest building in the entire world? "After 30, a body has a mind of its own.". Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. Friends buy you food. 65. Friends buy you food. "Today will be a great day". 271. I will never let anyone treat me like a yellow starburst. Sometimes the M is silent. 40. I want to afford them., 2. Im amusing and make the people around me happy. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 56. 243. Never judge a book by its movie. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me. You might use humor as a coping mechanism. 168. But sometimes affirmations may not work. I always find something funny in every situation. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go. Im a work in progress without a completion date., See also: 120 Ultimate Best Quotes About Progress To Fuel Your Growth. 181. With a cowculator. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. Hes dreaming too. 185. 16. 30. And one of the fundamental truths in life is that they will make . Not me, but somebody does. Every day, read them aloud for the best results. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. "My funny vibes attract my happy tribe.". My chins are a stairway to heaven. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. And get over it. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. - Donald Trump. 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember. Affirmations are a powerful tool to overcome self-sabotaging thoughts and boost your self-esteem. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. 153. Perhaps youre just starting to use affirmations and still cant take yourself seriously. 277. New year, new me. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. The following is the list of some humorous affirmations for you: I am doing all the amazing things because I am an amazing human being. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? 26. 141. "It's only WednesdayHang in there!". 223. I am grateful for all that I have. 33. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. I am on a seafood diet. 154. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. 213. 77. 58. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? Dave Barry I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. So, here's our compilation of funny work quotes that are perfect for every workplace: Image Source: Unsplash. 194. I am here not to compete because I know I am neither the fastest nor the smartest. I enjoy every minute of it. 156. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? 5. Laughter brings me closer to people. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. 74. How Do People Share The News About Their Engagements? Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat., 10. When they go away, its a brighter day. 129. Ensure that your actions match your words. 6. Being funny increase people's tendency to connect with you and talk to you. I am constantly growing and improving. You dont have to be crazy to be my friend, but it helps. I make a difference by showing up fully. Im like a postage stamp. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? I can have peace, even when people irritate me.. 3. Honolulu, its got everything. Your actions become your habits. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! 40 Apology Paragraph For Her To Say Im Sorry, 80 Cute Relationship Quotes For Sweet Couples In Love, 50 Doubt In Relationship Quotes To Rebuild Trust, 75 Sad Broken Relationship Quotes To Fix Your Heartbreak, 70 Relationship Honesty Quotes On Love, Trust & Loyalty, 80 Relationship Sorry Quotes To Apologize To Your Love, 65 Disney Quotes About Family That Will Warm Your Heart, 90 Best Shrek Quotes From The Funny Ogre Movie, 80 Blended Family Quotes To Share With Your Loved Ones, 90 Female Fitness Quotes For Women Who Workout. 175. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. Have a look! Jonathan lockwood huie. As long as I have friends as weird as me, I have everything. 205. 145. Socrates. 275. I am transforming into someone who is outgoing and makes others laugh. Bill Murray, 258. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 'If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.'. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. The rest are too expensive. 75. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. 222. 268. Affirmations to wealth are a great way for you to organize your thoughts and develop a positive outlook. 117. 142. Find a short calm and peaceful moment in your day and use it for setting your mindset up for happiness. Remember that the effects of affirmations are no laughing matter, so make sure your voice is heard. Because he was always spotted. "Disconnect to connect.". Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. 177. Ive got three bones. You might undoubtedly relate with them, and yet you will not feel laid back because of your weaknesses. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. I am lazy till I get a motive. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. 104. If you want flowers on February 14, plant them now., 6. I give over my anxiety to God, knowing His peace will protect my heart and mind. 232. I honor that time. 20. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. Im laughing at the confusion and smiling through the tears. 85. I dont suffer from insanity. Helen Giangregorio Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. 247. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.". 127. But then again so does . I am passing all the things and hardships with a smile. Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Is it perfect? Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. I am awesome. Billy Wilder. All you need is love. A backbone. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. My future is a golden, sparkly, explosion of fucking awesomeness. 137. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. Steve Martin, 254. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. Im describing you. There's value in patting yourself (and your friends) on the back.Positive affirmations are statements that can help brighten your outlook on the world when you say them to yourself regularly or write them down in a journal.While affirmations are no substitute for professional help such as therapy when you're experiencing anxiety or depression, those who swear by the power of uplifting . Before using these amusing affirmations, you should believe in your sense of humor. 22. Ill start this journey with my 10 favorite funny affirmations that never fail to make me laugh. How do you count cows? Absorb these 41 positive quotes and positive affirmations and start feeling positive now! Alison Boulter [click_to_tweet tweet="Things are getting better all the time" quote="Things are getting better all the time" theme="style4] 224. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. I am way dumb than my mom keeps blabbering about me to the neighbors aunt. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. How do trees access the internet? "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. The thing is, I am still getting ready. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. Dear universe, I am totally open to all the amazing things coming my way. 9. Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. 73. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for! 273. 202. Thank God Im an atheist. -Gandhi. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. Make the statements about yourself and for yourself. Daily affirmation: your hair is so much better than it was in middle school., 2. 148. 279. Because it was soda pressing. 234. 133. Stop trying to make everyone happy. 31. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. 127. 255. 192. Trust me, your secrets are safe with me and all of my friends. "Life is like a roller coaster pic - scary at the moment, funny looking back.". Rodney Dangerfield. A backbone. Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. 19. I can create positive change in the world. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. And in that moment I swear I still didn't give a shit. 100. Find a quiet place without distractions. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. How do astronomers organize a party? 209. 191. Because someone is always sitting on the deck. 71. 92. Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. What do computers eat for a snack? Discover short videos related to funny affirmations on TikTok. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full. Begin your days with these powerful, funny affirmations for self-esteem. Stay focused and consistent, and youll start noticing the healing powers of humor and fun. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. 240. 189. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. 21. 103. 126. 276. I see food, and I eat it. The best way for me to appreciate my job is to imagine myself without one. The world is missing some pizzazz. These funny ideas are smart and a bit sarcastic and will bring a smile to your face. No matter what I look like. Benjamin Franklin 111. Quotes that make no sense Photo: pexels.com (modified by author) Source: UGC. They have shown me exactly who I do not want to be., 15. Why is England the wettest country? An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. 5. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. A wishbone. Jackie Collins, 240. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. Never let anyone waste your time twice. Chris Rock, 256. 4. 222. You deserve it! Go to bed with satisfaction.". My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. 78. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. 275. Sometimes I am so freaking awesome, I blow my own mind. Not everyone has good taste., 3. 149. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. The best things in life are free. Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. 5. I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Short Positive Daily Affirmations. Never take life seriously. Read the first word again. 6. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. 269. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. So, you promise yourself from tomorrow on, youll be starting your days using affirmations. My mistakes dont define me. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. 64. Ive been doing nothing for years. 1. Even on my worst days, turning on some stand up immediately puts me in a better mood. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. It just plain forms. 102. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. We have a connection. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? You may hear crickets when you try to tell a joke. 146. Some people are like clouds. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. 17. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. No matter what a mess I am, my kids adore me. So put on your favorite song, take a deep breath, and say these affirmations during your next tough time for some much-needed positivity! 188. 98. East. - Marcus Tullius Cicero. 170. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Affirmations are an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and recognize that we have a treasure trove of power and creativity within us. Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. 110. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. I live in a loving, nurturing, safe, and beautiful world. 149. 39 funny positive affirmations. I thought you said extra fries. Make it inspiring. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 1. I will smile while I still have my teeth. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. 116. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. Ive got three bones. Self-love is the greatest middle finger of all time., See also: 210 Killer Self Love Captions For Instagram To Lift You Up. 98. 144. Frances McDormand When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer. I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. 14. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. They planet. Bill Murray. At night, I cant fall asleep. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. We'll get to that later. I draw from my inner strength and light. Not me, but somebody does. 118. I love my body. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. Wilson Mizner, 262. 42. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. I am just making myself capable enough to live in the moment. I understand people talking about me. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. Yeah, so is a grenade. Start your day on a positive and lighter note with these funny daily affirmations and quotes to get you through. 203. Nobody is listening, but you still feel embarrassed. Breasts dont have eyes. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. And their purpose certainly isn't to minimize hard feelings. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. 196. I tell you what always catches my eye. Theres life without Facebook and internet? Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. 120. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. Whether youre saying the affirmations aloud or writing them down, laughing along will only strengthen their effect. 80. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Ken Dodd, 255. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. 169. It will warm you twice unknown. I am happy and joyful. The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it. "We . Robert A. Heinlein, 243. - Christopher Reeve. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. You were too lazy to read that number. I know the best time to make fun. Run. 9. I'm having a staff meeting.". 53. Without further ado, let's look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. 186. 200. 8. 11. When I grow up to be a parent, my children will think the same about me. If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. Im not lazy, Im on power saving mode. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Because it was soda pressing. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 154. It equates "weight loss" with thoughts like: I can. 201. Don't forget to be awesome. I am positive. So far, so good. 206. Chris Rock Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. Albert Einstein 202. It gets toad away. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde, 5. Im gonna be worse., 12. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. Sincerely, yourself. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. 57. When nothing is going right, go left. Hes dreaming too. 26. Funny affirmations youll find here will boost your confidence and make you laugh. 47. 76. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. Emphasis on the cool. I wish my wallet came with free refills. I say what I want and i dont care what everyone else thinks about it. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. 22. 2. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Today I was a hero. 107. Some when they enter, others when they leave. 45. Envelope. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. Keep your affirmations in the present. 164. 147. 163. 238. 188. Its okay if people dont like me. Bill Murray. 93. Erma Bombeck. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. Funny Wednesday Work Quotes. I stick to things until I get to my destination., 12. Im like a postage stamp. I am full of vitality. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. The only power you have is the word no. 147. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. You can also think of your affirmations while you work, drive, do yoga, or simply enjoy time with friends. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. 39. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if you're one of them (I bet you are), you're going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm.I'm sure you've heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily.They are a powerful to. Laughter has always been lauded for its therapeutic effects. You wanna know who Im in love with? I am tough and resilient. 152. Theres no stopping me now. Breasts dont have eyes. 272. I didnt want to interrupt her. 16. So far, so good. 50. Bill Murray, 257. I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. Yeah, so is a grenade. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? It has many of the same goals as affirmations, as theyre both associated with positivity and happiness.