dealing with financially irresponsible family members

Like it or not, I think this is going to become more and more of the norm. They buy the latest gadgets, drive fancy cars. Home InCharge Blog How to Stop Enabling Financially Irresponsible Family Members, By Tom Jackson | Personal Finance, Taxes. Although Im grateful to her and dad for raising me, if I had to do it over again I would have let her sink on her own. Go out to eat sometimes with the expensive crowd, too, but sometimes grab a bite with the cheap lunch crowd. To keep a long story short, until I addressed this with him, he was just handing over whatever they asked for without question and Im not talking about chump change. SorryI left something out my parents would not WANT my help to be at an expense that would hurt my childrens college opportunities, or cause us to struggle. I dont even know how much he owes the government now. Financial infidelity for control may include revenge spending, as one partner overspends to prove their independence or to get back at the other for something lacking in the relationship. To be clear, theres a difference between helping someone through a rough spot and feeling as if your generosity has opened a floodgate you need to close for the benefit of both parties. In fact, the financial help you provide can become a huge hindrance that endangers the most cherished relationships in our lives and the recipients chances of becoming financially self-sufficient. I wouldnt tolerate being treated with an attitude of entitlement from anyone. But when i was 17 i worked in a clothing store with a guy who had the same illness as my dad he told me he dint want money from the goverment he wants to make his own money. I dont feel like I owe them a penny. She is now deceased. I dont get it. All I can say is I would give either one of my parents (both now passed) anything in my power to give them. We make a good income, but it doesnt go as far as youd think. This was a really interesting article. Any thoughts? Your mother sounds like she has a mental illness such as depression. Despite making a decent livable wage, they continue to live paycheck to paycheck. Level up your tech skills and stay ahead of the curve. My wife cant stand the way she tries to get my (our) money. It was good up until age 13 when everything fell down the tubes with daddy going to prison (for the first time). After my mom died he was in terrible debt because of hospital bills. He had inadequate savings then and almost nothing now that he is 69. This is an excellent article, and really got me thinking. Then, to add insult to injury, he has spent 100% of the grandiose salary Ive been sending his way. And Im sure any court would look at our savings and decide we do have the ability to pay, so we have no protection from this incredibly unfair statute. One of my brothers was doing badly in school and got expelled from 3 schools, they decided to send him away to a specialist boarding school, saying they would save money each mouth to pay for fees but they didnt, I ended up paying for it. So my mother-in-law is notoriously bad with her personal finances. My parents retired and decided to live like royalty. Living on oatmeal in an apartment in the ghetto, which was the best I could do after her absentee parenting, was much too impoverished for her. Seems to me, they taught you something, round about. Occasionally in this life, you actually get what you give. If you are constantly dumping your feelings of shame, fear, or pain on them, they are unlikely to be supportive. There is no shame attached to bankruptcy or getting hand out. (Im assuming that you cannot save for retirement because of helping them out. A parent that abandons their child should not expect or deserve any feelings of obligation from that child later in life. We have screaming sessions and it interferes in my marriage. If this person has a history of not paying back loans or taking advantage of others financially, it's probably best to tell them no. We pulled her through until she could wait to pull at 70 to get more. We are only in our early 30s but will likely be financially responsible for his mother for the rest of her life (she is only in her mid-50s) due to irresponsible choices she has made in her adult life. Im in business with my father. I have been in tears because they support my middle ages uncle (that has made some very poor decision over and over for years that have now landed him homeless), go on trips, pay for my uncles cell bill as well as his two daughters but neglect to contribute to the household. You may have loving family. It can be so hard though when they are your family and you love them and dont want to see them suffer. Im actually saving what you wrote in my note so that I can look back when I feel guilty and angry when parents pressure me into giving money. I just want to put out a word of warning- even if you know its the right thing to do, it WILL be difficult to tell your fiscally irresponsible/gambler/drinker/addict parent that you wont take them in. Its so painful for me to watch her fall from where she was (steady life with a retirement savings and a decent house), to where she is now, at literally 0 and starting from scratch in a new country at her age, when she should really be considering retirement. My FIL inherited about $900,000 in assets including about $400,000 in CASH 10 years ago. Dont let the discussion veer off point or delve into whataboutisms. What about the help you gave another child, for instance? I was concerned for her health and knew I would have to take care of her one day, but sometimes I think I should have let her just have happen to her whatever would have happened. My parents act like they never will get sick and like they never will have a need. she works from home but only 10 hrs a week and has meds that cost more than what she makes. Brings her hoard to your house so now your garage and back porch are full of her crap? Now, this is the appreciation I get! she is selfish she eats all of our food and has us buy her cigs and meds. A gambling addiction or problem is often associated with other behavior or mood disorders. Ive had money and Ive had love and neither are worth dick unless you dont take it for granted. She is my grandparents who say she is too much to handle. Its not. I explained that if this happened again (calling for money to pay bills) that i would assume that they are unable to manage their finances and any future help from us would be contingent on them making changes and my controlling their money, which would go to pay first for their needs and then an allowance for their My mom is angry because she wants what she wants on her terms- what new, weve never been close. To top everything up my brother who was a drug addict cleaned himself up and is also staying with us. But she immediately started charging up her credit cards again. Weve had the talk with Mom & Dad about how they are going to continue to support themselves with no savings. And, if she doesnt, please reach out to her children and offer them some money lessons so their financial lives are more in control. she just needs to quit being lazy and pick whatever job someone gives her (just like she told me that walmart was gonna hire her but i guess in my opinion she is too good for them). Retrieved from, N.A. Also most people just dont have an extra 1000 to kick to their parents a month. relatedSites.onchange = function() { I sometimes feel the sharp sting of other peoples judgement when I tell them my dad is homeless (as in on the street). Let them know that financial changes are coming in the fairly near future and that they need to take action to deal with the changes. Also she has no insurance no savings and no place to live. Americas dirty little secret is that thousands of homeless individuals outright choose that lifestyle because theyd rather not get to work on time, rather not pay rent, rather not observe the curfew at a group home/friends house, rather not budget and live within means. Its likely that they feel overwhelmed, insecure, and anxious, so tread lightly and avoid outright criticism. It is considered a type of elder abuse. thank you for your supportive words I will thanks so much. Then my Mom died just as we ended the first business and started the second. One tip for those whose parents make you feel guilty, Im sorry to say but they do not love you as much as you think. I do feel it is my duty to care for them, but it not my duty to give them any lifestyle they desire. Thanks for a good laugh. If she was ill? Now that she is old, broke and needing a lot of care he has left her behind but not prior to taking her car. how to deal with parent guilting using bible/scripture? Id also look into services that they may qualify for and just send them that info if they bug you. Yet some people think its his responsibility as her son to care for her? But if they say they deserve it, screw it. My father will work until he dies (and he owns his business, so they have a little stockpile in that if it is sold). By using our site, you agree to our. Emotionally, I cant stand to see my mother be on the verge of homelessness; rationally, it seems less clear that she should receive my financial support. Helping our parents before they need help is a financially stupid move- unless you can easily do it (ie became a millionaire during your lifetime- with plenty of passive income) Many psychiatrists would point out it is an unhealthy codependent situation. Her ex doesnt pay her child support although hes supposed to. This hits close to home today regarding my parents in law. Im 30, my husband is 29, and my only sibling is also 29. Im glad I came to this blog post and read everyones comments here and to see that I am not the OkY one dealing with this and by reading everyones comments today has made me felt much better to realize its not my responsibility to care for my mom since she never cared about me. Let me tell u, that shit hurts 2 the core of ur soul! Ive supported myself since I was 17 and learnt to live within my means. In fact, they need to do such things, as its part of learning how to live. Period. Financial abuse might be someone asking for money, gifts, your credit card, or wanting control of your accounts or property. I am sadly already in this situation. Family finances Family members tend to have some degree of financial overlap. Period. People get emotionally attached to houses but its the people that make a home, not the walls and roof. What you can do about it: If you want to avoid years of uncomfortable family get-togethers, youve got two choices: You can simply refuse to lend money to family members no matter what. Sorry for the long post needed to get it off my shoulder. Ill so be happy just to set myself up with a little more home privacy and financial stability, and wow, to be self employed is such a dream for me. But theyre drowning in debt, and theyve borrowed money from family members on more than one occasion. Give family members gift cards if you are uncomfortable with cash. I should knowIve made many of those kinds of mistakes. If youre giving money to a family member or friend, dont be shy about expressing your expectations. | We do not lend money. So, things are going great in your romantic life. Aging parents of financially irresponsible children must navigate tricky family dynamics. Regardless of how diligent you are about your own good financial choices, these things can seriously disrupt your financial progress. OMG!! Hes continually had to help make the payments. It wasnt ME or my BROTHERS choices that led Dad to the street. any suggestions?pls. Im the greedy bitch that makes him work so much. your an idiotif your parents decide to irresponsibly blow their money knowing you will foot the bill.they are on their own..why should you pay for it. I also made some poor decisions in my youth and am just beginning to get my own life on track (Im 30). (That is, a more than minimum wage paying job. If these people werent our parents would we even think twice about cutting them out of our life for our own survival? They have always pinched pennies, and scrimped and saved, and never splurged on themselves. And if all else fails remind them that then church, or whatever their religion iss home base,is also their family and maybe they can help out if they need it. Yeah, I did it and am in a good place, but it took a long time, and compared to my peers, I am not nearly where I could be. Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 86,869 times. Gambling is always a bad idea, and if someone gambles frequently, they don't tend to truly understand the value of money. If they implicitly always told you are a burden on every level of their lives since you were a baby, they deserve nothing if not damage from you in their lives. No. Part of the problem is that people dont know what they spend. My mother-in-law was working 80 hrs a week to pay for it allits really her that wants it all too. If they say cash is the only solution, be wary. They can find an entry-level job or two. I think instead of giving money to parents who are suffering from something be it mental breakdown, alcoholism, mental health issues in general, or even just self control issues your money is better spent getting them help. Even when you need to vent, talk about the positives as much as the negatives. we been helping her since her husband died 10 years ago but all the money and stuff we did never helped and she ended up in our home 2 years ago. Very cruel situation. You cant compromise your future for them. Well, after all his money is gone, and she is gone as well he has the opportunity to live in a VA substidized home however he doesnt like living with the other VAs and he doesnt feel that he should waste his money and pay $500/per month to stay somewhere so instead he is going to CHOOSE to live homeless. If you disagree, maybe you are a user tooor hopelessly dumb. However, if the warning signs of financial irresponsibility already exist and mutually understood limits on your economic support dont exist youre not doing yourself or those loved ones any favors. My 4 brothers have short, periodic conversations with her. Heartlessness breeds justification? Meanwhile, I have been working hard and saving diligently so I can retire safely someday.